My chaotic call of life

My chaotic call of life

I moved a step into this world of grey, blood pumping slowly into my still building up heart all was a chaos , eyes were still locked was learning to distinguish colors , my finger tips , small nails , eyelids and ear holes all from  a tissue blast a chaos of billions of cells  , a soul was embraced .
I don’t know what this feeling was, I was happy I was sad I was anxious I was confused I was erratic ,
well I know it’s too much for someone my size !!
Nine months is too much of a time to analyze and quicken up my nerves, I didn’t have my windows yet to peep into the outside universe of chaos though yes I had feel of the mystification, I could feel my bearers love affection crave for the intimacy , her insecurities and the uncertainties. Her pulse rate slow and steady and the peace serene while the quickened it did and it was a rush of cosmos.
Next to the love my father whose genes I had, a touch and I did know he did set up a great pretense of courage and confidence whilst below his firmness the nervousness of what next quite apparent, his fear of fighting single-handedly and a panic of probability to meet a failure fairly easy to distinguish.
Unknown was I taking in too much of unusual or if the mighty situate I was to fill in was really so valuable to create such large a turbulence.


I am a kid , I have learnt my A B C , I go to school which school well that’s another chaotic story behind it including numerous school application forms, admission tests, acceptance, rejection, a rigorous task to meet the best of what people think to be, anyway I know my poems they are simple much simpler for me than to decide whom to make my friend and whom to deject, love drawing it pleases me but I wish I did know what makes  my teacher the most glad or how not to face her cane ever but somehow everything turn out so wrong whatsoever I do. I love eating, then what’s the right way to eat my table manners need be correct: no I can’t make mommy unhappy, daddy loves me but is it a little less or a little more than my brother, oh how I wish I did know! I love chocolates sweets and cakes but mother tells me they are not good for my health but then why are they so delicious, a tease to my taste buds??  I have found a best friend I take a seat with her at school, I share my lunch box but why can’t she stay at my address? ohh how I wish I did know why rainbows happen? Why birds fly? Why daddy is always so busy? And what more will I get to know when I grow up. 


It’s my high school, mom dad see a doctor in me, I admire their dreams, their persisting efforts to give me the best so it’s either eradicate my dream to be a singer or theirs to see me in a white coat. Opted biology yes I worship my reaper. Had my first hand experience in love, sought of love I have read in stories watched evolving in the cinemas , well now it’s no more a choice between chocolate or strawberry it’s a choice every day, from dresses, shoes, bags, gadgets, jewelry, to hairstyle a desire to be the best everywhere and yet a fear to be in the limelight , a longing to be wanted and yet a composure of an introvert, a wish to step out of lines take a jeopardy feel the zeal but a guilt of compromising parents morals . I have restrictions on where to go, whom to meet, when to meet, what to wear, what to read, when to call, when to go to bed and if they could make sure it would even be on what to think ill possibly never be able to intake any logic whatsoever of such unfairness ever. At times I feel suffocated a thought to runaway, abhor those whining kids and so do I loathe the elder. 

I am running in the chase of all the mislaid idiots to get the preeminent university, have learnt not to question. Learning to tackle the practical approach to living but does anyone know the sure path to get through, the best friend took a seat at school with cant share her little time to overhear my doubts my sorrows my uncertainties what better to anticipate, from whom do I expect so it’s a lesson to hold no expectations the hard way. Graduated, standing in the church for my better half not sure what a changed day tomorrow will be, well I have a cosmic chaos in my brain circulating through my physical being , well will anything ever be for sure ! Dad tells me to be a better half likely of my mother but why do I wonder that all along he had always marveled what would be if it would have been somebody else.
Homosapiens have always lived a life of chaos unsure instability, at every step of ladder a thought switches to take a step ahead or move back, a right for one is a wrong for another, anyhow I have a life for that my riddle me ree, for now I want to kiss, oh wait what’s the right way to do it?? Let so it be chaotic.

Good Morning sweetheart!! , well yesterday I had a room to myself and today I allocate it with someone who surprisingly means more than blood. I love him, I cook for him, aid him well, he does it for me … its all rainbows and butterflies, bedside coffee and good night kisses!! Then came differences a gradual turmoil uphill and a down fall, ego clashes personal definitions, dominance or if better then a sense of responsibility. Sexual demands, emotional level expectations, desire of understanding the unspoken, monitory issues and it was a work to get a vehicle running on two wheels! Task has high complexity levels. Henceforth from two chaotic minds a big bang blast and their own new universe. The individual energies tough to be tamed always a question of critical peaks. I am expecting my own baby and I can feel the ease, it’s a sensation desired yet feared, I am contented but fear the unfamiliar.

Twenty years I have seen my kid walk, talk, play, go to school, and ask the same questions I did but I have no answers. For him I am mistaken today like my parents were for me, he questions my sense of authority while I plate it across as my care, my love… he is the ordained outcome of my chaotic life. Leading into last days and the riddle me ree so unsure yet! Every little cell which fashioned me deliberate a chaotic disturbance which did set in motion a whole set of events, some blasting reactions to which I had no control but never did I know it all along, at a juncture where gut tells me I have sorted it out majorly it’s a blast, another chaos and a jet black nothing from nothing.

        

I don’t know is it simply me
is it you too or her as well
is it him to include and the globe still
moving to nowhere and moving here

 I don’t know what I am lettering
caught up in mustiness, my fuzziness
naught, a million baffling voices
 a quite moment and still counting

I don’t know I am detecting
a friend a kin a mate a date
detachments attachments reasonable or unreasonable
it’s a tether not loosening

I don’t know I covet to cry why
shoulder sympathy staleness of any kind
cut it off to realize rest left unaccompanied
wish of single breath and you to stay

I don’t know but I have never felt more alone
to how to stir, can’t stay strong
meddled up in emotions for what I long
irresponsible and wasted I want to savor once more . 

-khushi .